Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
