Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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