On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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