i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
