Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
