batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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