is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
