Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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