My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
