Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
