Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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