There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
