Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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