can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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