i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
