Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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