i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
