I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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