Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
