just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
