I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
