A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
