i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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