i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
wow bdsm is so cute
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
