bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
