Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
two words...techno handjob
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
