I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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