john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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