I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
