This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
