I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
What drink are we having for lunch?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
