She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
