He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
