i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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