im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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