I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
