my phone needs a breathalizer
he shaved USA in his pubs
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
