Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
