Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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