he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
it's like heaven, but drunker
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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