He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
