new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
