I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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