i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
