he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
