winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
