Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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