wakey wakey hands off snakey
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
