I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
