He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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